Day 62
A Year of Connectoin (To Capital One Shopping)
Capital One Shopping has gotten the message: Tracy is traveling.
Atlas Mountain trekking and Mt Toubkal summit? How can I say no to a Kilimanjaro training ground?
Patagonia packing cubes? Of course I need more. And these match my 40L and 70L duffels.
At this point, the algorithm knows my itinerary better than most of my family and friends do.
Day 61
A Year of Connection (to School)
Follow-up to the spreadsheet confession: the trip isn't only tracked in Excel. It also has a syllabus.16 weeks, one per week until I leave, organized by space. Each week pairs one landscape with its real, documented history: how it was shaped, who's controlled it, what's actually happened there. I'm building it out one week at a time, and I'd love more eyes on it.
If you've read something or have something to share, send it my way or drop it in the comments.
Click on A Year of Connection above to see the syllabus.
Day 59
I’ve known about this day for a year. And then I saw the Facebook post: wedding rehearsal tonight.
I’m immediately reminded of that Sunday afternoon, lying on beds at The Mattress Store. I asked him which one he liked. He responded, it’s your bed. I pushed back. “I want to get something you like too.” He didn’t budge.
That should have been a clue that he wasn’t choosing me and I should have moved on. But I didn’t. Instead, I tried harder.
I colored my wiry gray hairs blonde. I danced to music I didn’t know. I drank bitter and hoppy IPAs. I dressed up at Halloween even though I hated the holiday.
I eventually ended the relationship but I was left with questions.
What if I hadn’t backed out of going to Key West and Fantasy Fest that Halloween? And instead allowed myself to be seen with my flabby body on display.
What if I had been able to silence the non-stop questions that live in my head, those holding my inner most fear of not being chosen?
A friend reminded me yesterday that if I was still with him, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. The one who bared her naked body in the Caribbean Sea and had her picture taken, her body still flabby. Or the woman who knew that booking a trip to Thailand would mean the end of a different relationship and I did it anyway.
Even as I actively choose myself, I still have to acknowledge the fear of being alone forever that creeps in if I allow it.
Day 058
I’m making my way through Iceland, preparing for Africa 2027. With lots of time on my hands, the internal questions are non-stop, debilitating at times.
What if I have to come back and take another job that I hate just because I need the income? I started out with a great buffer but with every day that passes, I see it dwindling. And I find myself borrowing against my future even as I scream internally, this is not sustainable.
And then there was this morning. I slept in the car yet again — I have a tent. I don’t know why I’m not using it. One night I even put it up, only to take it down and retreat to the car before the sun even went down. But this morning, I didn’t want to move. It was cold and damp in the car despite the expensive sleeping bag that I bought, made for the cold Icelandic air. I laid there for more than two hours watching the sun rise through the condensation on the windshield. My full bladder pressing down on me is the only thing that got me out of my sleeping bag. And I worried, what if I really can’t escape the person I am at home, the one who doesn’t move?
My questions feel so selfish. Because I know this is a choice I am making. But choosing the risk doesn’t make the fear less real. And pretending I am not afraid isn’t helping.
Today, I feel completely deflated. Because this is one of the first times, I have wondered if I’m making the wrong decision.
Day 057
On the Amtrak yesterday. a young woman came on.
Before she even sat down, she was scribbling and writing in a day planner. Her pen rapidly moved as she turned the pages. Flip, write, flip, scribble. The book cover too short for the spine.
She opened her computer. The calendar popped up. Colored blocks covered the week. In her internet browser, dozens of tabs displayed while the Wifi spinning wheel continued. She picked up her phone, swipe, swipe, refresh on the computer, swipe on the phone. She took a second computer out of her bag.
Day 055
Yesterday I did an interview and the host had me thinking long after the interview ended about the difference between fitting in and belonging.
I shared a chapter from my book, a story about inviting myself on a trip to Ireland. I wrote that belonging was something you had to reach out and claim.
But now, I think it’s more than that. I think to belong means you have to believe you deserve to be there.
Day 053
This morning, I read through the first 142 items on my feed.
The results:
14 Articles
36 Notes
92 Grow your Substack Notes (tips for getting more followers, engagement strategies, monetization advice)
And it’s not even 8 am.
A year of connection
Or maybe just a year talking about connection.
Day 052
I just finished working on a piece and I’m wrestling with two versions of my voice.
When I read them side by side, they don’t feel like the same writer. I’m curious which one you prefer.
A: Yet this time, I was taken back to Christmas; I stopped midsentence and sucked in my breath. The silence felt near complete.
B: But midsentence, the internal grid shifted. I was pulled instantly back to the couch in Chicago. I stopped talking and sucked in my breath. The silence in my headphones felt near complete.
Day 050
My daughter graduated last weekend, and the tension between me and the other side of the family felt thick.
When I got home, I couldn’t stop replaying the events.
So I opened my computer and went down a rabbit hole — building the tracking tools for the place-based inquiry I’ve been designing. A packing list. A budget tracker. A dashboard to monitor it all.
Day 046
Practice: Same Outcome, Different Environment
I carried my lunch tray with one hand, my other holding my backpack on my shoulder. My eyes scanned the crowd for a seat.
No one waved me over.
~~~
I opened the app.
I scanned its feed, looking beyond the posts for friends’ updates. A silly twenty question post.
No one tagged me.
Day 045
As I prepare for my Africa place-based inquiry, I’ve had a lot running through my head — logistics, research, confidence.
I’ve been deliberate about not leading with my academic background but I keep finding myself returning to Google Scholar.
Today, I read an article by Kuurne and Vieno that affirmed the research is there, so rather than resist it, I am going to follow it.