Day 058

I’m making my way through Iceland, preparing for Africa 2027. With lots of time on my hands, the internal questions are non-stop, debilitating at times.

What if I have to come back and take another job that I hate just because I need the income? I started out with a great buffer but with every day that passes, I see it dwindling. And I find myself borrowing against my future even as I scream internally, this is not sustainable.

And then there was this morning. I slept in the car yet again — I have a tent. I don’t know why I’m not using it. One night I even put it up, only to take it down and retreat to the car before the sun even went down. But this morning, I didn’t want to move. It was cold and damp in the car despite the expensive sleeping bag that I bought, made for the cold Icelandic air. I laid there for more than two hours watching the sun rise through the condensation on the windshield. My full bladder pressing down on me is the only thing that got me out of my sleeping bag. And I worried, what if I really can’t escape the person I am at home, the one who doesn’t move?

My questions feel so selfish. Because I know this is a choice I am making. But choosing the risk doesn’t make the fear less real. And pretending I am not afraid isn’t helping.

Today, I feel completely deflated. Because this is one of the first times, I have wondered if I’m making the wrong decision.